My Journey with BSP: From Being Silenced to Finding My Voice
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THIS IS MORE THAN MUSIC — IT IS SURVIVAL TURNED INTO SOUND.
My songs tell one continuing story: surviving trauma, living with the aftermath, facing rumours and betrayal, finding peace and finally reclaiming my voice.
From the vulnerability of Survivor, to the defiance of Survivor Mode and Rumours, every song represents a different chapter of my life. They explore the moments that nearly broke me, the people who doubted me, the few who stood beside me and the strength I discovered when I refused to remain silent.
These songs are raw, personal and unapologetically honest.
They are for every survivor who has been questioned.
For every woman who has been spoken about instead of spoken to.
For anyone who has carried pain in silence while the rest of the world moved on.
These songs do not pretend that healing means forgetting. They show that we can learn to live beyond what happened, take ownership of our stories and wear what we survived as armour.
I am still here.
I am still standing.
And now I am turning pain into purpose.
Listen to the journey. Feel the truth. Stand with survivors.
Sarah's Story.
I joined the British Security Project because I believed ordinary people could stand together to protect, support and strengthen their communities. I wanted to contribute my experience, legal studies and skills to an organisation built on safety, accountability and mutual respect.
My experience did not always reflect those expectations. At one point, I became aware of an AI-generated image depicting me wearing a Burqa featuring a Palestinian flag. I did not create, request or consent to the image. I understood that it had been shared or discussed among people connected with BSP management, which I found upsetting and inconsistent with the professional treatment I had expected.
I also shared personal information in confidence about an incident in Birmingham approximately two years earlier. I experienced that incident as involving drink spiking, being taken from a nightclub while vulnerable and rape. I reported it to West Midlands Police, and I understand that the investigation included CCTV and other evidence. I recognise that others may describe or interpret the circumstances differently, but my account of what happened and its continuing impact is my own.
After sharing this information, I felt that some people questioned my account, judged me and treated my trauma as open to debate. I experienced those interactions as deeply hurtful and, in my view, bullying. I cannot speak for the intentions of everyone involved, but I can describe the effect their words and conduct had on me.
This essay is about that conflict: the gap between BSP’s public commitment to protection and my experience within the organisation. It is also about why I refused to be silenced, why I chose to remain, and how I turned a painful experience into a determination to seek better standards for myself, for other survivors and for the organisation I still believe BSP is.
When the people within become the problem.
Shortly after becoming involved with BSP, I became aware of an AI-generated image depicting me wearing a Burqa featuring a Palestinian flag. I had not created the image, requested it or agreed to its use.
I understood that the image had been shared or discussed among people connected with management. I found that particularly upsetting because I had expected those involved in managing the organisation to treat members with professionalism and respect.
That incident contributed to a growing sense of unease for me.
I had trusted certain people within the organisation with deeply personal information about an incident that had occurred approximately two years earlier. During a night out in Birmingham, I experienced what I understood to be drink spiking, being taken from a nightclub while extremely vulnerable and rape.
I reported the incident to West Midlands Police. My understanding is that CCTV and other evidence formed part of the investigation. I recognise that an investigation or any later criminal justice decision does not determine how I must understand or describe my own experience. The incident continues to affect me.
In my interactions with some people connected with BSP, I felt that my account was questioned and that I was treated as though I was not telling the truth. I experienced that as judgmental and harmful.
I do not claim to know every person’s intention or motivation. I can say that the effect on me was serious. I felt humiliated, isolated and unsupported at a time when I needed care and respect.
From my perspective, conduct that may contribute to a bullying environment can include humiliating images, rumours, exclusion, repeated challenges to a person’s character or conduct that encourages others to doubt them. Whether particular conduct meets a formal definition of bullying depends on the evidence, context and applicable policies. I experienced what happened as bullying.
No survivor should be expected to repeatedly justify their pain to people who are not responsible for determining whether their experience is valid.
The contradiction I could not ignore.
BSP presents itself as standing for presence, protection and community. Its public messaging includes support for victims, lawful freedoms and safer communities.
In my view, those principles should apply internally as well as publicly.
I became concerned that the treatment I experienced did not reflect those principles. I cannot make a definitive statement about the organisation’s overall conduct or the intentions of every person involved. I can say that, from my perspective, some interactions left me feeling belittled, divided from others and pressured to defend myself.
I also became concerned about what I perceived as factions, personal disagreements and pressure on people to take sides. These are my observations and interpretations, not findings about every member or about BSP as a whole.
Community begins with how we treat the person standing next to us.
Accountability should apply to everyone, regardless of position, popularity or length of membership. In my view, the BSP name should not be used to pursue personal disputes, circulate unverified allegations or diminish another volunteer. Any concern should be addressed fairly, with an opportunity for those involved to respond.
I did not join BSP for status or influence. I joined because I believed it could give ordinary people a place where they felt safe, accepted, respected and valued.
Why I did not walk away.
There were moments when leaving would have been easier.
I was already dealing with the effects of serious trauma while continuing my law degree and managing significant difficulties in my personal life. The interactions I experienced added pressure at a time when I needed support rather than judgment.
I do not suggest that every person within BSP contributed to that pressure. Some people supported me, and I remain grateful to them. My concern relates to the conduct and interactions that I personally experienced or became aware of.
I refused to allow those experiences to determine my future or define what BSP might become.
I stayed because I believed its purpose could be larger than individual disagreements. I stayed for volunteers who joined with honest intentions, for people who wanted to help their communities peacefully and lawfully, and for survivors who might need to see that they can speak openly without being shamed into silence.
Most importantly, I stayed because some people stood beside me when I felt others were undermining me.
Loyalty is not the same as ignoring concerns. To me, genuine loyalty means protecting an organisation’s principles while being willing to raise difficult issues and seek fair solutions.
Turning pain into purpose.
Since joining BSP, I have developed from a volunteer who wanted to help, into a manager taking an active role in its development.
I have contributed to legal and policy research, organisational standards, safeguarding principles, public statements, internal communications, member welfare, operational accountability and the development of BSP’s charter and future direction.
I have helped welcome new volunteers and encouraged them to build relationships within their regions. I have also worked to distinguish between verified organisational positions and the personal opinions of individual members.
I have consistently argued that BSP should remain lawful, disciplined, evidence-led and accountable.
We should not allow rumour to become a verdict. We should not treat a person’s background, faith, nationality or appearance as proof of guilt. We can be firm about borders, crime, security and community protection while respecting due process and judging people according to their individual conduct.
Evidence is not weakness. Due process is not surrender. Compassion is not cowardice.
These are not merely phrases for public statements. In my view, they should guide how we behave toward one another.
Standing with survivors.
My experience has strengthened my determination to stand beside other survivors.
I know what it feels like to have a painful experience questioned. I know what it feels like to be spoken about instead of spoken to. I know what it feels like when other people appear to take ownership of your story or use personal information in a way that feels harmful.
I do not want other survivors to feel as alone as I once did.
Survivors should not be forced into silence to make other people comfortable. They should not be judged because trauma affects memory, because a prosecution does not follow or because their response does not fit somebody else’s expectations of how a victim should behave.
People may understand and describe traumatic experiences differently. My own experience remains real to me, and I have the right to speak about its impact without presenting my account as a determination of anyone else’s legal responsibility.
We do not forget what happened to us, but we can learn to live beyond it.
Our experiences do not have to own us. We can take ownership of our stories and regard what we survived as a source of strength—not because the pain was acceptable, but because surviving it means we are still here.
Every survivor who speaks may make it easier for somebody else to report what happened to them.
Where I stand today.
Today, I am stronger, more informed and more determined than I was when I first joined BSP.
I have learned that leadership is not a title. It is the willingness to accept responsibility, protect standards, listen to uncomfortable truths and respond appropriately when concerns are raised.
I have learned that unity does not mean silence or unquestioning agreement. It means sharing a commitment to lawful conduct, evidence, fairness and mutual respect, even when opinions differ.
I have also learned that protecting a community begins inside any organisation that seeks to serve it.
I want BSP to be a place where volunteers are valued rather than made to feel disposable; where survivors are supported rather than made to feel interrogated; where concerns are considered fairly rather than becoming gossip; and where no individual is treated as more important than the principles the organisation represents.
These are standards I believe BSP should pursue. I recognise that organisations are made up of individuals and that improvement requires clear procedures, evidence, fair investigation and an opportunity for everyone involved to respond.
I cannot change everything that happened after I joined. I cannot undo the humiliation, betrayal or hurt I felt as a result of interactions with people I once trusted.
But I can decide what happens next.
I choose to continue using my voice.
I choose to stand beside the people who supported me.
I choose to help create an organisation where respect, accountability and integrity are lived values rather than words printed on a poster.
I did not survive everything I have faced simply to remain silent about conduct that I experienced as harmful.
I am still here. I am still standing. I am still learning, still growing and still working toward something better.
BSP’s message is that united we stand and divided we fall. In my view, that unity must begin within our own walls.
For me, BSP is no longer simply an organisation I joined. It has become part of a journey in which I reclaimed my voice, recognised my strength and turned pain into purpose.
My story is not finished.
This is where the next chapter begins.
Sarah Sanderson
BSP CSO Management and Legal compliance
Actions taken by BSP following the above events.